Like I'm the Problem

So, a loud sexy law school colleague of mine suggested that our blog, although funny, was lacking commentary about societal problems. I have decided that I will do my best to address the current economic problems in the US via a comment on a recent Cosmo article.

A while ago, my friend Phil (a recent U of Chicago Law grad with a bright future and even brighter bank account) told me that I, by listening to songs like "This is the way I live" and other new hot rap soon-to-be-classics, was contributing to social degeneration. I thought he might have a small point until I read this article in Cosmo and realized guzzling Busch Light while listening to rap music might actually be making things better, not worse. I digress, anyway, the article appears in the March 2008 issue of Cosmo and is titled "How I Bought It."

Before you get the wrong idea, let me preface this rant by telling you, dear readers, that I love Cosmo. I'll admit that when my subscription runs out I haul my carcass to WalMart like a crackhead headed to a dark alley to pay $4.00 to read the exact same stuff over and over again. I can't get enough of it. Cosmo has taught me how to please my non-existent man, keep my skin glowing (even when I'm hungover!), and showed me the finer purses and coats that I can't afford. Where would I be without it? I would probably be a sadder shell of myself with dry skin and wouldn't be able to say things to suitors like, "Oh, that, yeah that's Cosmo Sutra from 2006...you like that?"

Anyway, given the state of the economy, the war, and the Bush "presidency" this article pushed me over the edge. It featured young employed upper middle class women and how they accomplished ridiculous money-related "goals". "I Took A Sexy Vacation" tells the emotional struggle of how one woman made her dream of going to Tahiti with her boyfriend a reality. "I Threw My Dream Wedding" tells us that if you substitute cupcakes for an actual wedding cake you'll have more money for fancy food, photos, and flowers. I'm sure that marriage will last since it's built on a strong foundation of financial planning and sacrifice. Three years from now tell me that this chick isn't going to flip out, leave this guy, and then sit around with her girlfriends being like "You remember when that cheap son-of-a-bitch wouldn't even pay for a wedding cake?!?!?!" That will clearly be met with a chorus of, "that's when we should have known, girl."

The piece de resistance, however, was, "I Scored An Amazing Designer Piece". I actually died a little inside when I read this. It painted the picture of a PR Exec. who altered her spending to afford a Louis Vuitton dress. A leopard Louis Vuitton dress (leopard print, though I'm sure in some parts of Africa you could buy a real leopard for what it cost). This is the quote that put the final nail in my proverbial coffin: "Over the next six weeks , I checked sample sales and clearance racks just to make sure there wasn't any other leopard-print piece out there of such high quality at a lower price. Then, I curtailed my normal shopping trips, cut back on nice dinners out, and budgeted a small percentage from each paycheck that I normally put aside to open a Roth IRA [an account similar to a 401(k) that self-employed people can set up] strictly for this purchase."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This woman opened a Roth IRA to save for a dress and Cosmo had to explain to people what a Roth IRA is??? If you want to point fingers about who is contributing to the degeneration of society I think maybe we should start with this "Katie, 27" who reordered her life to afford what I think might be the ugliest piece of clothing I have ever seen. If the world is falling apart so much that people are opening IRA's to be able to afford CLOTHES then I really have no chance. None whatsoever.

Once when I was still attending Grinnell I took some cans back to the local grocery store (where Helgie was employed) so I could get the refund to buy a 40 oz Busch Light. A lady who worked for the college financial aid office was running the check stand and I said hi to her and we chatted and she ended up buying the 40 for me and telling me to keep my $1.89 in change. It was a financial irresponsibility wake up call for me. I thought, wow, you need to get this shit together if you're going to make it as an adult.

Screw it, I'm calling "Katie, 27" and having her help me set up my Roth IRA so I can use the interest to buy my 40 ouncers because apparently it's acceptable to be SUPER irrational.

You'll also be happy to know that things with the dress really worked out for Katie, 27. "And it paid off in other ways: The first night I wore it, I got noticed by a guy who eventually became my boyfriend. More than a year later, it's still worth every penny!" OMG.