150 characters or less

I’m what they call in the field of information a “slow adopter”. It took awhile for me to warm to “texting”. Why not just call someone? What could I possibly have to say to someone that could be better expressed with just consonants and limited punctuation? I had no idea.

It really all started when I moved to a new city and had no friends and a job I didn’t like and learned that I could easily consume an entire bottle of wine in one night, from the bottle, with limited consequences the next morning. It was there that I learned the true beauty of expressing oneself in 150 character increments.

In the intervening 2 years, I’ve carried on several relationships almost exclusively via text messaging. I’ve fought, flirted and… fretted using just my thumbs. This led me to wonder about the uses and limits of texting, so I’ve decided to share some wisdom with you. Please consider this a primer for other “slow adopters”:

Can I make a booty call using the “text message”? Yes. In fact, this is why text messaging was invented. This way, the other party has no idea re: your current state of inebriation or lack thereof.

Can I break up with someone via “texting”? Yes, again. I’ve found that one of the simplest ways to stop seeing someone is to ignore their texts. That way, you only sort of seem like a bitch. Because no guy is going to ask, “Hey, why didn’t you return my text?!?” In part because it makes them look petty, and in part because no one wants to admit that they texted you so they didn’t actually have to think of things to say right after you said something.

Can I text multiple people at a time? Interesting question. The technical answer, of course, is yes. The mass text message is a useful way to disseminate information about tonight’s happy hour or the fact that your gentleman caller got crabs from some other girl. The ethical question of serial texting requires more thought. I say yes. First, almost no one is going to find out if you’re texting someone else on the side. Besides, who are you hurting? Are humans monogamous by nature? No. We get different things from different texting parties. Just be safe. Remember who you texted last and the gist of the conversation and you should be fine.

Finally, how much does text messaging cost? Again, simple answer is that it depends on your service provider. I would caution that texting always costs. You can erase your cache, but the ill thought out text lingers long after the drunk dial is forgotten.

I hope this has answered some questions. In closing: be pithy, be witty, and never use more than one exclamation point. In the next few weeks, I hope to be able to illuminate more text-tiquette issues in my quest to be the Emily Post of SMS.