I've got your number

Tonight, after just a few beers, I was discussing one of my two favorite topics with my drinking partner (the second being Law and Order... all versions... even Criminal Intent. Talk about controversial). After about 5 minutes, he mentioned a mutual friend. "HE," I announced, "IS A SERIAL TEXTER!"

I understand that not everyone will share my concern. That's fine. Allow me to elaborate... especially for you nubile, young ladies out there:

The Serial Texter
I'd be willing to conjecture that we all know a few Serial Texters. At the meta-level, the Serial Texter is not a bad person. In fact, there's nothing wrong with texting all the time... and multiple people. As I've mentioned before, the beauty of texting is that you can do it, and no one but the receiver knows. The Serial Texter exploits this facet of the text message. Now, most social Serial Texters have at least couple of partners. The partners likely don't know eachother well, and are ideally located in different cities (from eachother and said texter). This arrangement implicitly establishes social trust. Both parties know that the other could be texting other people, and there's no assumption of exclusivity. A relationship on this level builds social capital and should be considered positive.

But now we turn to the pathological Serial Texter. The pathological Serial Texter cannot abide by the different city rule. He or she (but usually, he) has multiple textees in the same city. The worst have them in the same neighborhood or friend group. Again, this is not a bad person, but perhaps someone with poor impulse control. Texting multiple people in the same area code? Really? You're texting one person for what? Sex? Then you text someone else to hedge your bets? Texting is not the market, my friend. This crossover in one specific geographic area tells me one thing: you text for the simple knowledge that someone you have regular contact with will text you back.

You, pathological serial texter, cannot live without the rush of the "blocks away" text message. "She wants me," you think. And yeah, probably she does, if she responds. So why not settle? Do it. Enjoy it. You found her fit-to-text, why not co-mingle and see if you can't make a go of it? Because you, pathological Serial Texter, cannot have one night stands and you cannot commit. You're "on-the-fence-guy" and you're bringing us all down with you.

So take my advice: if you choose to text more than one person "in that way" in the same zip code, be prepared for a revolution. This will not stand. We're onto you and we're prepared to erase you from our Contacts.